Santa Armed and Ready

Imagine, if you will, Santa coming in for a landing.

OK, we won’t say at your home, but one nearby. You hear the jingle of the bells, long before those cute, little reindeer appear in the sky. Then out of the snow and fog of Christmas Eve he materializes, a sight to behold.

I interviewed him recently and he described what you might see if you could see. On his approach, just before he lands, two newly added sleighs pass on either side. Black sleighs with their windows darkly tinted. They are also being pulled by reindeer, only a more beefy breed. They are thick, cut and have names like Rocky, Killer, Joe Joe, Hit 'em, Stick 'em, Kick 'em and Bob.

As Santa circles above the two sleighs land and stocky elves emerge wearing whiteout military fatigues. Quickly they take the house and set up a perimeter, their small sub-machine guns at the ready. Only with a nod from the leader does Santa touch down and perform his duty. Once Santa’s airborne again the stocky elves back cautiously to their sleighs and move on to the next house to repeat this process all around the world.

He only instituted these changes after having to fight off a street gang or two in recent years. Think about all he has in his bag, Santa is armed, he delivers hundreds of deer rifles and thousands of rounds of ammo, every year. He can hold his own, but a four hour standoff does some serious damage to an already tight schedule.

OK, we’ve talked about the city problems, let’s get to the country ones. Remember all those guns, well they might help against a street gang, but when you collectively add up all the rifles and shotguns he’s given out over the years, the numbers get a little astronomical. Santa is really regretting arming every redneck in the world and then flying around it during deer season with all those prissy reindeer. As if the rifles aren’t bad enough there are scopes and now laser sights, too.

Seeing how a reindeer stuffed and hanging on a redneck's wall is about as desirable as a date with Daisy Duke, the life expectancy of the modern reindeer isn’t too long. Santa must now fly zig zag patterns to avoid the gunfire coming up like anti-aircraft flack. At least one reindeer doesn’t make it back every year and many will no longer fly, no hazardous duty pay, no flying. Rudolf had been replaced by one named Roscoe with two Maglites duct-taped to his antlers. I heard his wife took out a massive life insurance policy, gave him a stiff drink, knitted him a sweater with a target on it, taped the Maglites on and sent him to work. No, wait that happened to me, got the stories mixed up for a moment there.

A sleigh is not aerodynamically sound and is pretty hard to fly in perfect conditions, but imagine flying a 12-deer powered sleigh that’s only running on 11 as the other dangles by his harness. Coming in for a landing on a small roof is hard enough, given all the Christmas lights and chimneys already in the way. All he can do is blow his uaooga horn, hold on, close his eyes at the last minute and hold on for dear life. At least now you know why your satellite needs adjusting on Christmas morning.

As with the advent of power lines years ago, the last great Christmas crisis, Santa has adjusted and the holiday will go on. He does, however, intend to address Congress next year in an attempt to suspend deer season Dec. 25. I think he’ll be trying for hazardous duty pay as well. Good luck with that — from what I’ve noticed, for anything to get through Congress, it must have absolutely no merit for the American people. Really, if it is to have any chance it must cost at least 10 times what it’s worth and it would be even better if it were obsolete before it passes.

OK, I’m just havin' a little fun with my buddy Santa and Congress, don’t get so hot. Please remember those less fortunate on the holidays, do all you can for others. Think about the 7 million homeless in our country and do a lot of praying. Remember what Christmas is all about, eat well, love well and live well. Merry Christmas from an old Redneck.