Meatloaf Train Wreck

You could not force me to eat meatloaf when I was a child and I grew up hard, but meatloaf never crossed my lips.

The threat of a beating would make me do many things. An actual beating would pretty much cover everything else. Things like unstopping toilets, touching dirty diapers, moving things that could be filled with spiders, moving the dead snake out of the yard and even killing a litter of puppies that came down with rabies with a shotgun once. Oh yeah, and who could forget kissing Aunt Ruby.

Just a raised hand would usually cover the normal stuff. Chitterlings, greens of any kind, the fat from a steak, broccoli, cauliflower, cooked carrots and who can forget my personal favorite, green beans. Yuck!

I was beaten into unconsciousness once for refusing to eat meatloaf. Guess what? You can’t eat meatloaf if you’re not awake. It was just too easy to hide things in meatloaf, things like onions, bell peppers and anything else you’re trying to sneak on an unsuspecting child.

After many years overseas I became accustomed to eating almost anything. I’ve eaten things that even I shudder at the memories of. Worse yet, I’m sure I’ve eaten things that to this day I still don’t know what they were. The secret to losing your eating inhibitions is for some pretty little girl to smile sweetly and offer it to you. It worked all over the world. Well, a bunch of beer didn’t hurt, either.

When I came back from my travels there were still two things I wouldn’t do. I’m afraid that says bad things about me. I would not eat meatloaf or drink after anyone. Now as I get older there are more things I won’t do. Wait a minute; what I mean is I’ve just gotten too old to do them. That still says bad things about me. I was able to keep up my meatloaf beliefs for a couple more years and then it happened.

I married the woman of my dreams. She actually did the cooking for the first six months. One day I came home to find meatloaf sitting on the table. As it had happened years earlier when that sweet little girl with those sweet little fingers pointed meatloaf at me, I opened my mouth and took the bite she offered. As I remember I even licked the juice from her fingers. Love makes you stupid doesn’t it? Meatloaf is proof positive.

Wait, something’s wrong, this is good. She uses mozzarella cheese in her meatloaf and it’s the recipe I’ve used from that day forth. Suddenly, I couldn’t get enough meatloaf and we had it every week for years. What I didn’t expect and what I still can’t explain is that from then until now, every time I go into a restaurant and meatloaf is on the menu I order it. It’s the same way with spaghetti. Spaghetti on a buffet bar, my stomach turned thinking about it.

I’ve eaten both all over the country and I’ve got to tell you its bad 99 percent of the time, and still I keep ordering it. It’s like a train or car wreck. When you pass by you try not to look, so does everyone else that’s holding up traffic, but you just can’t stop yourself. A meatloaf sandwich with a little mayo, man that’s heaven. I can’t believe I said that, I must have lost my mind.

What I have found to be true is that if you eat meatloaf at regular people’s houses, it’s really good. I think the problem is, unlike what most believe, meatloaf is actually expensive to make and restaurants can’t afford to make it on such a large scale. I’m not saying I never find good meatloaf at a restaurant; it’s just rare when you do. And about the time you get to liking it, they change the recipe and you’ve got to give it up again.

With all that said, just a little advice, when it comes to meatloaf just say no. If you ever pick up the habit, you’re in for a world of heartburn and the habit is impossible to break.