2011 — Oh Happy Day — 2012

I learned the other night, during a Christmas trivia game, in 1835 the national debt was actually paid off.

Oh happappappy day.

Have you heard this, it’s true? So one time in our country's history we owed no beaver pelts to a country whose major contribution to western civilization is the buffet restaurant. If I’m not wrong and I usually am, buffet is French and French fries are on buffets. Do we owe the French money, too?

That’s a stupid question; we owe money to our friends, people we don’t like and people we can’t stand. Apparently we owe money to the extremely poor, the moderately poor, those with money and those who are rich. There is a bright side; we don’t owe money to whatever demographic I’m in, hh happappappy day.

Let me talk a little, insert smelly word here. 2011 has been a long, bare-knuckled boxing match between the Democrats and Republicans. It’s a slugfest that appears to have no end. Many Americans want to claim this is a new problem. It’s politics as usual as I’ve seen it my entire life. I’ve got an idea, let’s just flip it completely and complain for another four years. It’s not worked well all my life, why change now? Americans continue to find themselves up smelly word creek, one party has the boat, the other the paddles. Oh happappappy day.

Many notable people died last year — Osama Bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi have my votes for the Dead of the Year award, oh happappappy day. Steve Jobs's death proved two things — a gazillion bucks won’t make you live longer and will not pay off the national debt. Lots of celebrities died of natural causes or stupided themselves to death, as many others continue to be too stupid to die. Are politicians and celebrities branch kin?

Last year we celebrated another notable trend. As we continue to spend more money and create new laws to annoy American farmers and their workers, the number of illegal aliens crossing the Mexican border dropped for the first time in two decades. People are quick to believe all our hard earned cash spent on the problem has extinguished this political hot potato. In reality, fair trade has created new jobs and better wages in Mexico and our economy has deteriorated so badly that Americans are considering migrating to Mexico to pick jumping beans. This is easily repaired — simply pay the out-of-work auto workers 35 bucks an hour to pick oranges and strawberries. Oh, that’s right, they won’t do it for that and if they would, the union wouldn’t allow it.

As we enter into 2012, we are faced with yet another election cycle. Another bunch of mudslinging misfits are taking the stage. I’ve heard Obama has more than a billion dollars to grant him a further four years. So many Republicans are in the running we may have to borrow hip waders from those cranberry juice commercials guys to figure out which one is capable of placing his name on the ballot or who had to pay a lawyer to do it. Donald Trump now says he’ll run if no Republican candidate surfaces who can beat Obama. He vows to use his vast amounts of money to win, at all costs. Will a gazillion bucks win an election?

Spend a gazillion, make $300,000 a year. It makes sense to me and explains why we’re in so much debt. Our politicians apparently have no clue about profit/loss or the sound principles of investment. Why not get a couple hundred bucks from every American and pay the debt off, for the second time? Amend the oath of office to include this statement: if I suggest borrowing anything over $17.50 from a foreign country, Donald Trump had permission to fire me. You did what with who, you did not have sex with what woman, you did not know we were selling, stuff, to buy weapons, to give weapons as gifts, to get a better deal on oil and my favorite who stepped on the recorder button and erased incriminating evidence? You’re fired.

I’ve got an idea, let’s put all the presidential candidates in bikinis and make them fight it out, literally, in the mud. It would be the most entertaining election cycle in 30 years. I don’t think you can effectively steal, cheat or lie in a mud soaked bikini. I think a debate in a cool, air-conditioned room and mud-encrusted nipples might break that mess up a good bit and give us Americans a fighting chance.  

Alright, I’m just having a little fun, smile once in a while, will ya? In spite of the past and future problems, we live in the best country in the world. Happy New Year, America.