Thoughts on Unspeakable Tragedy ...
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I've waited a few days to sort of piece together my thoughts on the shooting in Connecticut. For one thing, I'm 38+ weeks pregnant, and I couldn't even bring myself to look at the news coverage for the first couple of days. I knew, inevitably, that when I did, I would be a ball of sobbing hormones. That was pretty much true. I actually dreamed last night that I was at a vigil, and woke up crying.
I watched a lot of people post opinions about the shooting, even while I was trying to avoid it. We have too many guns. We don't have enough guns. It's the lack of mental health programs. It happened because we took God out of our schools, or still have too much God in our government, or we worship the wrong God completely. There's not enough discipline. Parents aren't doing their jobs. We need to talk about it. We're talking about it too much. You're grieving wrong. No you are. Etc.
I've been around a lot of tragedy, as a part of my job. I've been on the scene of a triple homicide. I've seen multiple child homicides. I've been the bearer of the worst news a parent can get on multiple occasions. The individual reactions are always different.
But one thing is mostly the same. People inevitably react to tragedy by trying to manage the grief in some manner or another. "If I had only done this ..." or "If I hadn't done that ..." We cast blame on society, on parents, on drugs, on whatever we can to help frame it in a way that makes sense.
I believe that is human nature. We look for a way to frame something so that we can control it. Because if it can be controlled, then somehow it's not as scary. Somehow, we can fit it into a box and say, "That wouldn't happen to me," or, "That couldn't happen to us." Hidden beneath those thoughts, though, is the fear and understanding that yes, it could happen to us. Beside the murder of 20 small children and six adults, that's what makes this Connecticut mass shooting so incredibly terrifying. Across the nation we recognize, whether consciously or not, that it could happen to us.
And so we mourn, as a nation.
Remember then, before you jump into an argument with someone to say, "You're wrong," or, "Your argument is offensive," that the person on the other side of that argument is a living, grieving human being who is doing their best to frame the matter in a way that makes sense to them. Their argument might be right or wrong -- it doesn't matter. Nobody grieves "wrongly," just differently. And that person who finds different answers than you, is also the same. They are a mother or father or friend or first responder, who feel, just as acutely, the terrible outcry of the mothers and fathers and children who are the victims of this tragedy.
Do what you need to do to grieve in whatever manner is best for you. Get angry. Scream and cry. Go to church. Don't go to church. Shut down completely.
But be kind and loving to one another, and know that they grieve with you.
Tammy Osier
2:31 pm on Saturday, December 22, 2012
Well said. In my line of work, I've also seen tragedy. I've been to several gang funerals of kids no older than 15. One 17 yr. old kid's mother had moved him here for a new life. They came from NY and his father, uncles and even grandfather were generational gang members. He unfortunately, migrated to what was familiar to him and it cost him his life. While the death was sad in itself, I became angry as I watched kids come up to the coffin and throw their colors in. And his mother watched. Then, outside, at the top of the hill, the rival gang blowing their horn and whooping and hollering about the fact that one of their rivals was dead. This was Gwinnett County. 350k homes didn't fix it.
You are right. grieve. Then, do whatever you can to make your mark on this world. I go into jails where young kids have gotten into trouble and offer a hand of friendship, a listening ear and piece of advice if asked. I work in many differing aspects with kids, whether it be fun, playing games, talking and listening or finding myself in a position on a side of the law that doesn't make them happy, but does make them think. Whatever I can do, I do. Besides pray for them, that's all we can do is offer to help in any way we are available. Cry for a while, then find something you can do to help someone else. I know these things don't fix everything, but the few seeds we can plant along the way may someday come up and produce something in someone that makes them want to make a difference too.
Tammy Osier
10:18 am on Monday, December 24, 2012
Btw...marne M, congratulations on your news. You will be a wonderful parent. You are a servant of other people and it will reflect on your child who will follow after you, and helping others will become a way of life for them - it will be the norm rather than the exception. My children frew up in an "others centered" household and are wonderful adults and parents to their children. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Marne M
9:10 am on Friday, December 28, 2012
Thanks Tammy! This is number three for me -- I have a six-year-old and a three-year-old. I think being a parent is definitely one of the highest callings. I feel very blessed -- we have seven acres here in Barrow County, and the kids to get to learn the value of a good day's work and stewardship on a daily basis.
Tammy Osier
10:50 am on Friday, December 28, 2012
This city girl raised mine in Hog Mountain (now Hamilton Mill) for the same reason. They played in the woods, pretended, built play houses out of sticks, had lemonade stands etc... Moved there for that purpose. I had 3, and learned that you never quite catch up on laundry after 3. lol
I'm getting ready to start my series on Tough Love back up. I'd love to have input from you. I work with Elementary kids right now, but have worked with at-risk kids for 20 and hope that I have some insight into good parenting. I'm currently going back to school to get my license in counseling so as to work with those kids again. I work with them at RYDc as a volunteer, but would possibly like to see a good boot camp added to the judicial system.The one I worked in was excellent, and we were just getting somewhere (added a psychologist on board) when our funding didn't get renewed. Intervention is great, but I like the deterrent factor and adding physical training and discipline as well. Add good counseling to that, and you might be able to give a kid a leg to stand on who started out without one. I have so many testimonies of kids who said, "I can't , I can't" and before we were done had learned to push themselves a little further and realized that they can do it after all. Then, we were able to translate that into grades, coping with family relationships etc...I hate it that every kid doesn't have the wonderful family that they deserve, but it's never too late to become what you didn't have.
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1:57 am on Saturday, December 29, 2012
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